MARINE CORPS AIR STATION IWAKUNI, Japan -- by
USMC Reserves
Editor's Note: This is the third in a four-part series of articles on parenting in which information, ideas and suggestions for becoming a better parent are explored.
For children, getting attention is one thing they are good at. They do this in a variety of ways; some good, some bad.
"Kids are like a sponge; they soak up attention," explained Navy Lt. Amy Park, Educational Development Intervention Services pediatric psychologist, about the importance of parents spending time with their children. "My personal philosophy is parents should try to catch their children being good."
She pointed out that when parents give attention to children when they are doing positive things, then they are reinforcing that behavior. If the only time parents interact with their children is when children misbehave, then they are reinforcing bad behavior.
To illustrate her point, Park used the analogy of potato chips being like attention. Children, especially teenagers, need attention. This attention can be fresh chips, praise and recognition for good behavior, or soggy chips, punishment for inappropriate behavior.
"It's a basic assumption that all parents want to give fresh chips to their kids," said Park. "Since children must have attention or 'chips,' it's better to give them fresh chips instead of soggy chips. If they can't get fresh chips, then they will take soggy chips. The important thing is children, even teenagers, require attention and affection."
One of Park's suggestions on increasing positive reinforcement for good behavior was "special time."
"The whole concept of special time is to get to know your kids," stated Park. "There are several kinds of special time."
One example is general special time when parents and children do something interactive together. For young children, playing games, throwing baseballs or doing puzzles are okay. However, for teenagers, activities must be more developmentally appropriate like going shopping or watching movies together. Park suggested setting limits, such as how much you will spend or what you will buy before setting out on these activities to avoid problems.
The important thing is to increase communication between parents and their children, emphasized Park. Often parents expect their children to open up and talk. Without practice in communicating, teens won't be able to come to their parents when they really need help. Park stressed parents need to be careful not to talk down to their children.
"By spending special times together, we are building roads for communication," she added.
A second kind is dinner special time, which Park recommended doing two or three times a week. Basically, everyone should sit down to dinner together and talk about what's happening in their lives.
Another type of special time is bedtime. For younger children, doing bedtime rituals like reading books and tucking them into bed is an important part of the day. Park encouraged continuing bedtime rituals for older children and teenagers, although it would probably be just stopping by and touching base with them to see how they are doing.
Park also pointed out parents should not measure themselves against the performance of others.
"There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to parenting," said Park. "The goal is not to be perfect but to be the best parent one can. As long you love and nurture your child, you will be a good enough parent."