MARINE CORPS AIR STATION IWAKUNI, Japan -- Editor's Note: This is the last in a four-part series of articles on parenting in which information, ideas and suggestions for becoming a better parent are explored.
The parenting of teenagers is often a topic of conversation among adults, but it only makes sense to hear what teens have to say on their behalf and from their perspective.
In a recent discussion with more than 15 teenagers, ages 15 - 18, they brought to light a wide variety of opinions and concerns that they have, the first and foremost of which was communication.
Every one of these young adults stressed the need for parents to openly communicate with them. Several of them told of when they tried to talk to their mothers about sex, their mothers got nervous, upset or immediately thought the teenagers had been involved in a sexual encounter. What they wanted was to talk about their feelings and how to deal with them. The teenagers pointed out they didn't need a lecture. They needed someone they could open up to.
At the same time, there were several others who said they had a very good relationship with their parents. As one girl put it, she saw her mother as a parent and as a big sister with whom she could discuss everything. All of the teens stated they wanted to talk to their parents about the issues of drugs, sex, morality and their daily lives.
However, many of them also stated that their parents were too critical. If they didn't get all A's or if they didn't do their household chores well enough, then parents really came down on them. One teenager summed up most of their feelings as saying they didn't feel anything they did was up to their parents' standards.
These young adults weren't against being criticized when they did something wrong or incorrectly. What they noticed was their parents often fail to see what they did right. The overwhelming majority of them commented they felt it was important to give praise and rewards for good behavior. As several of them put it, praise and rewards encouraged them to do better.
It was also interesting to note most of the teenagers were not against being punished. Many of them felt corporal punishment was okay as long as parent didn't get carried away and beat anyone. Many of them complained about the loss of privileges or being restricted, although from their statements, it seemed this form of punishment was effective. However, they said once parents decided on a punishment, then they shouldn't compromise or give in to their children's nagging.
One surprising thing was that many of the teens felt limits such as curfews, which outlined where they could go or what they could do, were acceptable. Most of the teenagers felt some limitations were necessary to ensure control over the influences in their lives. While they supported some limitations, they stated when they were mature enough to handle their own lives they wanted more freedom. One teenager did point out if parents were too restrictive, some teenagers want to break out and rebel.
They also stated parents need to be concerned with the important things. Most of the teens felt things like hairstyle and fashion were not important. They felt it was their way of expressing themselves. Some said it was just a phase that every one went through, and parents need to remember they were young once. As one person put it, "Parents need to remember they did crazy stuff too."
Another interesting note was that more than half of those interviewed said they believed there should be some kind of religion or morality in their lives.
"I think when you raise children in a church, they are better off," said one teenager.
Several others agreed. Another teen pointed out she appreciated the youth ministry here on station. She felt it was a place where she could go and discuss issues. Many others sheepishly admitted they felt they gained something of value from religion and regular church attendance.
When the issues of misbehaving in public, rude manners and being noisy came up, so did their attention. Some of the teens stated parents needed to teach manners and what's appropriate when they were children. By the time they are teenagers, then they should have good manners. One young lady pointed out that she's upset because she sees her parents use good manners with everyone but her.
As for being noisy, most teens didn't see a problem with this.
"We are just like any other crowd," said one teenager.
They then proceeded to tell stories of other groups causing disturbances in the Eagle's Nest, and loud noise complaints coming from billeting during the early hours of the morning. They readily admitted they were noisy, but they saw everyone else also being noisy.
The bottom line - all of the teenagers admitted they weren't perfect. They realized they needed their parents' guidance and support. What they wanted was their parents' love. They wanted parents to appreciate them for what they accomplished and for their effort. The most obvious thing was, they appreciated their parents and what their parents did for them, even if they didn't know how to say it.